why can i never get what i want?

hi guys, it has been a lot of time since my last post but now I'm back (hopefully)

since I came out of the closet 2 months ago I've have been feeling awesome, I'm eating better, I'm less stressed, I'm doing exercise and I'm getting kinda sexy... for real, I'm not the same person

I also have better self esteem... or I had better self esteem until I realized that all my friends have a boy/girlfriend, my 2 best friends since we were like 7 years old, Paola and Kevin are also homosexuals and both of them have a partner, and what i hate the most is that they're awesome, their partners are AWESOME

I always wanted someone, who doesn't? but now I'm getting depressed because I'm the only one that doesn't have someone, I'm thinking that I will never have someone no matter what i do, I'm acne free(not like Paola and Kevin), I'm ripped(not like Paola and Kevin), I'm tall(not like Paola and Kevin).... I'm not talking shit of my friends, the thing is that I have things that they don't have but they are happier than me

yesterday was a really crazy day, the 5 of us, Paola, Kevin, Madelaine, Jonathan and me(the 5th wheel) were at Kevin's house and my main goal was to NOT seeing them make out, the last time i saw Kevin and jona kissing like they were at a porn movie I started crying when I was in the shower of my house

we were going to see a movie and spend the time there... well, since i knew we were going to see a movie I knew that i was going to be the only one seeing the movie

we were at Kevin's room on the bed and I was in one corner, i was going to watch the movie and i was also going to block the things that the others were doing with pillows, at first it was working but then I got sad... now i know that I don't need to see them kissing to make me sad, i only have to know that they're a couple to trigger the sadness... so I got out of the room crying with a pillow on my face and then Paola came with me, we sat and started talking and she cheer me up a little

at the end we were going back to the room and Jonathan was ON Kevin and I just left and entered other room, I was on a bed and i was thinking a lot of things... at the end i just got some bottles of alcohol and I got really drunk and i went to the hot room.... for real, that room was ON FIRE and my theory was right, i didn't felt anything when i saw Paola with Madelaine and Kevin with Jonathan

Jonathan and Kevin were nagging me and I just wanted to drink some more, but Kevin took my glass and i knew that was for the best so i didn't complained too much about that

it was really late so we had to get the fuck out of there because of our parents were going to kill us all and i was drunk so you can imagine the stress of all of us, except me because i was drunk

let's leave the story with I hide my drunkenness to my mom, i slept in the shower until 12 o'clock and i don't have a hangover

now, i really want a BF and i don't know, maybe I'll kill myself doing exercise... that way I at least be focused on something else